what happens when you cant let go?

[rblyl (deleted)]

So it is late and I am still awake. This sleep disturbance has been going on awhile and is starting to affect every area of my life.... After 2 years as silly as this is I am just starting to realize that he is not coming back. Sometimes lately the grief is so unbearable that I feel I can't manage even into the next 15 minutes, and then it will start to let up a bit, just to come back later all over again. Wave after wave. For two years since his death I was able to push it away..maybe a denial as I kept thinking of him running around the same old way. When I go back to Portland he would be there, as always as it was for 1/3 of my life with him off and on. Only lately, as my move out west again gets nearer it is very real that he is gone. I try to push it back again, and then snapshot memories start. Like photographs getting into my mind of him on the sofa laughing, at the door, the party with friends. The guilt is tremendous..the way I was last time I seen him. That I didn't stop by that last day, and thereby not stopping the chain of events that led to his murder. ..I want to talk to the friends we had, that I still have there about the way I am feeling but I cant. They never liked us together anyway, saying that us two together were a 'train wreck'. Every time we would get back together they were always coming around lecturing us on how we needed to get away from eachother. But we weren't bad for eachother, we 'got' eachother, and always enjoyed the peculiarities of the other. They say that outside of the relationship he was mean, but I never seen that-I would rub his hair and he would move in close like a cat. If I ever felt like no one loved me in the world, I knew he always was there to. In all the time, no matter what was going on he never said an unkind thing to me..not once. And I cant say the same for myself unfortunately. If I didn't have children I would just let my heart break to its death. And I dont know if theres an afterlife cause I cannot believe in 26 months he has not tried to reach me somehow. Maybe he has let me go...

thanks for putting up with the long post I have said all i can now about this.

[kaskiyeh (deleted)]

`I believe there is an afterlife or what would the point be of all we go through here on this place we call Earth? Sometimes when a person passes one we carry a lot of regret for the things we said that we can not forget or ever say I'm sorry, but he see you and he sees your pain that you feel, he wants you to move on and be happy. Did you ever stop and think just maybe he has reached out to you,maybe it was that gentle breeze that came out of no where,or that shadow you caught out of the corner of your eye, and when you looked you saw nothing there!! Or just that feeling of being watched! it will be alright just keep your memories and try to let go of the regrets, everything happens for a reason we just don't know what it is or why..Love ya ..

[rblyl (deleted)]

`Thank you..and i feel better now that the sun is up. I just dont want to feel this when it happens, and am usually successful in keeping it at bay with dry humor or whatever. ..I have never thought about it that he could have already visited or am aware of my intense regret, i am going to think about this-what you wrote-cause my own perspective on this has been bleak..thank you

[kaskiyeh (deleted)]

`Everything is darkest at night and then when the sun comes up things look a little better. You'll be ok, no one ever said life would be easy and we will always have regrets, but know that he knows you had love for him and always will.I understand about keeping things at bay, but you have to face them and put them to rest or you'll always be kicking yourself for things you said and did. Let it go and be happy..He's watching over you..

[trubblemaka (deleted)]

`grief and loss can kill a person spiritually. i have spent along time tryin to recover from it myself. it has almost ruined me as a person, at times i look into the mirror and have no idea who i have become, it was a very scary moment in my life. i dont know if you ever truely get over it. i think the only way is to have a love that is so fullfilling that it allows you to move on. not to forget, or get over, but to live in the moment that you were in mourning long enuf and its time for your spirit to live and grow again intetwined with anothers. thats some crazy s--- but im hoping its true. i feel it but im still on the fence with it.

[nanabrianna (deleted)]

`One day you two will be together again. And you will find that he is patiently waiting for you. I agree with Kaskiyeh, he could be the one watching you when you feel that you aren't alone. The love that we feel for others does not die when we die. It is carried on because that is the feeling you carry with you when you pass on. One day you will find peace and you will finally be able to sleep. I hope you can enjoy what life has to give you because you deserve it, no matter who says you don't!

[harmony68 (deleted)]

`losing the person you love is heartbreaking yes. and knowing that you are not alone, even when you think you are, helps, although doesnt alleviate the pain we feel. i agree. my children are what keeps me on this earth and not having withered away to nothingness. i also believe as Kaskiyeh said, the wind changing, a bird chirping, an eagle flying overhead (which is rare) to me, are signs of my father, always watching out...brings tears to my eyes. and i miss him everyday, its been 17 years ... although losing a parent is different than someone who shared your lifes intenseness, more. it takes a long time to get over a broken heart... be well Rblyl much love